Daniel Ferrante

There’s a quote, I can’t remember from whom, that essentially says, “The U.S. and England are two countries separated by a common language…” Ain’t that the truth.

I was in Stratford-upon-Avon yesterday, trying to find out WHERE in Stratford one can view an original folio of Shakespeare’s works.

I figured, hey, head to the tourist center. As a side note, they have ingeniously located the tourist center at the opposite end of town from the train station, so one has to walk clear across town and pass through all the tourist traps to get to the center… very clever!

I found the tourist center and asked the staff member, “Where can one view an original folio of Shakespeare’s works??

She looked at me, confused.

“Do you want to see his house?”

I was stunned…

“No, not his house… I want to view one of his original folios.”

“I’m sorry, I’ve no idea what a ‘folio’ is.” she tells me.

“One moment, please.” I tell her. The I stepped outside, looked at the sign and sure enough, I was indeed at the tourist center for Stratford-upon-Avon, Shakespeare’s birthplace.

I went back inside.

“You’re kidding me, right? You work at the tourist center for the birthplace of the greatest writer ever, and you have NO idea what a folio is?”

“Is it his house?” she tries again.

“What? No it is NOT his house… it’s a collection of ALL his plays, arranged by The Bard himself. There were several hundered copies produced. They’re worth several million £.”

“Maybe you want to see his house?”

“NO!!! What is your obsession with his house?”

I sighed, exasperated.

“Can I have a map of the different Shakespeare museums in town, please.”

“I don’t have a map.”

I was stunned. I excused myself for a moment, stepped outside again… yes the sign STILL said, “Welcome to the Stratford-upon-Avon tourist center, birthplace of William Shakespeare.” Not, “Welcome to Wonderland, abandon all sense of logic and reason.”

I went back inside.

“You have NO maps of town?”

“Nope.”

Okay… that is weird.

“Not even one I could pay for?”

“Sir, we don’t carry maps of town here.”

“And by ‘here’ you mean ‘The Tourist Center for Stratford-upon-Avon, birthplace of William Shakespeare?”

“Yes, sir.”

“And no maps?”

“No maps.”

“Okay, well, I’ll start at his house… how do I get to his house from here?”

“Well, there’s the house he owned and the house he was born in. Which do you prefer?”

“The house he was born in.” I said, thinking it was more likely to have a copy of his folio there.

“Very well, let me get a map out.”

She pulled out a small, folded, pocket sized glossy map of Stratford. She unfolded it and said, “We’re here.” circling the tourist center on the map. “His birthplace is just up the road here on the right hand side.” she circled his house. “You may keep the map if you need one.”

I was about to fall over.

“This is a map?”

“Yes.”

“But, just two minutes ago, you told me you didn’t HAVE a map of Stratford.”

“That’s true.”

“And now, you’re handing me a map. Of Stratford. Stratford-upon-Avon. The birthplace of Shakespeare.”

“Yes sir.”

“Even though you don’t have a map.”

“That’s right, sir. No maps.”

“But I have one in my hand, from you, clearly for use by tourists, not some sort of tourist center only map. A map, for use by tourists.”

“Yes.”

“But you still say that you don’t have maps?”

“That’s right, sir… no maps.”

I looked around for Eric Idle or John Cleese, a camera, something.

“Riiiiight. I have to go. Bye.”

I walked to his birthplace.

They had a folio.

I took a picture of it.

I left Stratford and went directly to Bath… directly, that is, except that my train brokedown, the replacement was delayed by someone on the tracks and was too full for me to get on. Then the next train, someone had a heart attack and that, for some reason meant closing down the closest rail hub for the rest of the night. I waited 2 and a half hours for a train that went remotely towards Bath. It was full, but I squeezed on. I got into Bath finally around 22h00. My hostel was nearly closing reception for the night. I got in just under the wire.

I’m going to Stonehenge today. I can’t wait. I realize it won’t be as cool as I want it to be, but I have waited nearly my whole life for this… I am quite excited.